a more personal side...

2011-08-16T14:13:00.001-07:00

bismillah

when you're sad and you don't know what to do,

just pray

and ask Allah for guidance

and ask for this sadness to pass

and be lifted way from the soul

amin.

2011-06-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

I think life is a process. You learn things as you go along. You will make mistake to know that it will occur has been one of the most enlightening thing for me. What does it mean to know that you'll make mistakes? To know that you'll learn? Does it mean that you'd develop an inferiority complex? Or that you 'd feel that a mistake is eventually a mistake? Or that you'd become easily blameful and cynical to anything bad that comes your way? Oh, it was bound to happen. Was that what it was meant to mean.

Before, I had it that way. When people say every person in their life will make mistakes. That every couple will fight. That every best friends will become closer with fight.

I refuse to believe this. I thought it was nonsense. Why should the best of friends fight? And why should mistakes be made in life? Isn't it just demotivating. And such a negative way to look at life. If you start out your life with that in mind, of course you'd play out exactly what was thought of. It's belittling. It's a trick. It's a trend that people have been put into. Which I thought was not not correct.

Alhamdulillah I've gone a long way since then. What I've found from time and space..is that, to know the thing, to know that life is a process and that people make mistakes...it was not meant to be negative. On the contrary, it was meant to be overly positive. The knowledge that life is a process and that you will make mistakes, is meant to make your life rich. Super-rich. It will give you such an outlook in life, that everything is a treasure. What is a 'mistake' and what is a 'process'? It's an experience! It's something that is not seen but felt. When you accept that something is process or a mistake, you're fluid. You are changeable. You are mosaic-full, colourful. You're happy. It's not something depressing for you. But something exciting. Something peace-ing. You've and you'd completely open and released yourself for change. You've left any pre-conceptions, anything that would make you not change. What people thing. the world that you would lose, friends or whatever. It doesn't matter. Your goal is now to get through that process. And to feel more and more of it. It is mind-blowing and exhilirating. But you will only feel it if you have released yourself.

Now, a human being is always holding on to something. If you've one thing, it's impossible for you not to hold on to another. It's just natural. We are very dependable creatures. We live on a concept, principle, a structure of mind or heart. No human being is without one. So, here's the thing. When you have accepted that life is a process, to which process do you adhere to? Step 1, step 2, step 3 of a process can differ a lot depending on the form of processes you choose. Who decides they chain of steps? How do you decide your direction?

For me, I have chosen Islam. And that 'life is a process' for me is equivalent to 'tarbiyyah'. The whole life is one big tarbiyyah. And how do I know what is what and the directions that I would mould myself, it would be according to Allah.

Our Education

2011-03-26T14:05:00.001-07:00

Assalamu'alaikum,

here's my thoughts as i was going thru the vid...feel free to follow together..=)

minute 13:00 - hm.. i wonder if m'sian teachers ever feel like they're not allowed to teach...

and i wonder if m'sian doctors ever feel like they're not allowed to treat...

hm..

minute 21:51 - wow...high school? wow...yeah..people like George Bush won't be elected if that is what is taught... no wonder the politicians of the old..like if in M'sia..Tun Razah, Tun Hussein On...they're really politicians of the people you know...amazing down-to-earth and really serving not themselves or their wallet..but people...lovely... :)

minute 25:45 - i agree. Grades are not everything... you need to know what you're learning.

minute 27:00 - yeah..this was an issue i had a problem with...that does not settle down with me well some time ago..i've sort of like accepted that you know, nowadays, this is how the world is going..i don't agree with it...but you know it has to come from the person itself..i can't force it on them..i can say my views..i can repeat it many times..it's good reminders..and it should be propagated many many times and more...in the end however, i think the person has to believe it themselves and have trust in Allah...and you know..act it

minute 38:00 - yeah i think that's one of the problem i've discussed about with my friends, about the education in Malaysia..there's a lack of ability or culture..of entertaining the iradah of a person..and i mean, supporting iradah..not lowly desires..but, iradah. Meaning..the actual interest of a person. A child in M'sia is simply into the system, which levels them all out. And their own specific interest and abilities are fully supported. I think at the moment, this responsibility has to fall on the parents, especially the mother, to fully be sensitive and aware and cater these iradah...simply because of the fact that it takes time to change the system.. because system comes from the mindsets, the fikrah of the individual people who make up the system itself...so, yes, an effort needs to be done..but it would be futile and it would crumble really easily, if it's not approached and emphasized at the individual/mother level... however, efforts from an institutionalized level is still impactful...but i think the emphasize needs to be reemphasized and highly pushed towards the active work/role of the parents.

minute 40:24 - heheh :) tea... :) qana'ah... Alhamdulillah.. :)

minute 40:59 - i agree that people should know themselves well to know their boundaries and limits well so they overburden themselves that in the end, they really have not got anything, or become an anasir taghyir..meaning, an agent of change..for their own selves and for others. I agree in focus and some times, all these technologies around are overstimulants. You know all those images and sounds and all sorts of overtasted food are just overburdening and concentrating and in the end overshocking and shotting our five senses that in the end, we just become confused and basically not really our directions and we become lost. But, I do think, that notion, that understanding needs to be differentiated from the idea of 'multi-tasking'.

For me, we all should multi-tasking, it's not a bane if you learn it well. For the very simple reason that the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w was a multi-tasker. You know, he doesn't sit at home and just focused himself on doing one thing. There was one sole constant thing he did everywhere he went, which is da'wah and tarbiah. In any situation, no matter what he was doing at that time, he was da'wah-ing and tarbiah-ing. He was teaching, he was nurturing. And that was the constant fikrah, the constant mindset, the constant hadaf, the constant viewpoint. Always.

So, I think our minds should always be focused on one thing. So, that, that one thing will always make us do things and tasks that will only pertain to that one thing. Things and tasks. So, you multi-tasking is therefore not in contradiction.

ok. :)

from 51:10 onward - this part i think you need to watch with caution. His ideas and statements here are very dangerous if you understand it out of context, or if you understand it wrongly. What kind of boredom does he mean here? it does not mean not doing anything, but it means downtime, thinking time. What does he mean by challenging the mass? he means the mass's activity and thoughts that's suicidal/ self-destructive, without aim, materialistic, pure sensualism and hedonistic. without principles. That's one example. What does he mean but people who just sit down and contemplate? Does this means hermits who does not mix with the society? No, you know.. it does not justify pure contemplation states without actions..it's not beruzlah... but actual actual think-tanks, smart well-contemplated policy makings... and of course you have to follow it up with implementations... in all walks of life you know.. whether you're a mother, a student, and individual...or someone who has a position..

56:55 - yeah...it's scary that people have been so dumbed down.. it has caused a lot things just being 'let happened'. Masses of people have just let things happened. Because of this process of the mind being dumbed down, poisoned I would say, ghazwul fikr.

1:02:40 - wow..hm...non-age-segregated learning.

em..i'm kinda starting to fall in love with this idea of homeschooling...mm..

1:04:00 - waa i need and 'an ounce patience' for this! and i need to 'really want to do it'...interesting...hu... but it's possible right.. it's not impossible..

1:05:22 - wow really?

1:05:42 - wow..interesting! :D

1:06:00 - wuish. wow..the after effort, the self effort after the class must be what's more.. it's how much to want it and how much you want to keep it and remember it and apply it in your life and of course tell to other people then, that seems to be the.. magic. hm..

1:10:02 - true true... there's way too much pseudo-idea of success right now in our world. And also, i agree with 'honour above poverty'..you know if you're rich but you have no honour, no honesty...it's a dead life..and of course, a dead hereafter...you know..never sacrifice principles over materials...it's self-destruction..it kills you inside..also, beautiful statement : 'it's a short trip'...life ends abruptly you know...

Alhamdulillah..a very good enlightenment! ^_^

Forensic class

2011-02-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

bismillah

salam wbt

*sigh...* had a class about suicide today..

too sad...just too sad..

i think people kill themselves because they have not found reason for them to live...or that they find the reason to be too insignificant or that they're consumed in thoughts of what they perceived as the only reason to live...

and life means nothing...and unbearable to live in anymore..

it's so sad... gosh.. isk isk..

i'm sorry..

this is just too emotional...

i think they need a guide...they need someone to talk to..someone to show them the way...

i think they need Islam...they need to get to know Islam...

and we, those who know how meaningful life has become for us since we live and breath Islam needs to share Islam with them...they never knew about Islam you know...

we need to help..

the subject of suicide is just something very fragile to me...something very close and personal..

so I can say that I know how they feel..

but tarbiyyah has given me a life...a meaning..Islam has given me a life...and a love..and i hope, a bigger heart...i pray for it insyaAllah...

so i think people really should share. Islam is not a secret. it's not something exclusive to be kept within personal spheres or barriers or boundaries. It extends beyonds those constrictions. Islam is not exclusive. It's inclusive. It's a wide expanse. It's love and and sharing and peace and care.

let's share guys.

w'salam wbt

2011-02-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

Bismillah

dear..hey..and hi

Allah...You know me..You know my inner thoughts...You know how I feel..

I've been trying to reconnect...with You...with old friends..with stuff...

but sometimes...the things you connect back with...your old friends...the ones you've grown up with..the ones you haven't seen for such a long time...

is scary....

and you're..

worried...

that there's never a time to turn back you know..

*sigh

And You know more than anyone..that time ends abrupt

anytime, anything can happen

anytime you can stop breathing

anytime you can die

and I'm afraid that they'd end short...

I'm afraid for unchanged melodies..

I'm afraid that I'm too weak to help...

Allah...You know me more than I know myself....

w'salam wbt

What's going on with me these days =)

2011-01-15T19:05:00.000-08:00

Bismillah

Salam wbt..

These days I've just been trying to clean myself a lot. I guess both physically and internally.

There's a lot that I need to cater to. To change and to be better.

I'm trying to stabilise. Trying te get back closer to Allah. Trying to mend my relationships. Trying to bridge back broken bridges of communication. Trying to be a slave (to Allah s.w.t).

Ive been reading some stuff, listening to some things and pondering a lot. Checking myself a lot. And learning to be humble.

I've been listening to Suhaib Webb's Fatihah series. Listening also to Brother Nouman Ali Khan Tried to search for some Sheikh Hamza's talks...but there's not much of interest.

Erm...'ve been also reading explanations of hadiths, tafsir of al-Qur'an, reading about Sejarah Nusantara and I guess....a lot of muhasabah and mujahadah...fighting a lot interest to try to keep my heart pure from diseases of the heart.

Also, trying to get my study in tact. And praying to Allah....

__________

okay...:) I hope these words...stuff in my blogs and stuff here... will help you guys. Subhanallah, Allahu akbar and Alhamdulillah.

And...i'll post some links below for the stuff that I got above. Please visit the sites, and listen, and learn, and internalize, and externalize, in your heart, in your mind and in your actions. =) InsyaAllah I hope I will get to Paradise and I hope to meet all of us there. =)

Here they are:

Tafsir of Surah Al-Fatihah - Suhaib Webb

Tafsir of the Qur'an - Syed Al-Maududi

Tafsir Ibnu Kathir

Quran Recitation - Fahad al-Kandari

Just bought this book - waiting for it to arrive

and also this one =)

ok...w'salam wbt =)

have a good day guys...be honest with yourself ya...

Freedom

2010-12-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

Bismillah..

Salam wbt,

Freedom is always an interesting meaning right. For some people it means liberation from an oppressor. For others its like a bird, being able to just fly and soar. For me, it represents a struggle. A struggle to do things without having to think so much of what people think. That's my personal freedom. To not be locked up, tied down or suffocated.

Sometimes I hate writing the word "my". Coz nothing actually belongs to me you know. And sometimes the word "my" opens up too much dimensions. Once you put "my" there, it's like people are getting to know you. So it gets a bit scary.

Em, I've been looking around actually nowadays for some ways to escape. I'm not one to be tied down. And I want to go places you know. Experience things. And not get settled down. Honestly I don't like to get attached. I've tried it once and I got a good one from the process. And I think I'm okay with just that one at one. I like moving you know. Just going from one place to another.

I don't know where's life gonna get me. I could be anywhere.

But I do hope.

That I can be true to myself. And I pray I can hold on to that you know.

And not have to contradict.

Ya Allah, I really don't know you know.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm just settling.

I just hope I'm doing he right thing.

Please help me.

un-same

2010-12-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

I hate it when I meant things this way

and you understood it another

I hate when I say one thing

and you heard another

I hate it when I meant it with my heart

and yet you got it from the head

I hate it when I want you so much to understand this

and yet you thought I was criticising

I hate when I meant to help

and you felt I was patronising

I hate it when I meant this

and you felt that

I hate it how much I want to see this

but still you see that

I hate it how much I care so much

about what you care

I hate it when I meant love

and yet what you felt was betrayal

I hate how much I can't put into words

what I want you to understand

And how much I care so much

what you care about me

I hate how much I love you

and you fail to feel that

How love is up to that level for you

and yet more than that for me

I hate how much I meant

how much I meant

is rejected to me

And I miss those who understood me

the way _ do.

o my gosh

2010-10-08T16:34:00.001-07:00

Bismillah..

O my gosh, I just looked over my previous entries, and oh gosh...It's kinda scary. Especially that Malay rant. O God, I seem so angry. I must've been. I do know where that entry came from, but o gosh, even I am too scared to try to remember the event.

Hm..sorry guys. Must've scared u guys too.

=) I'm not that scary in person.

w'salam wbt

One week and a half in 5th year

2010-10-08T16:25:00.001-07:00

Bismillah..

Assalamu'alaikum wbt

It's been already one week and a half in 5th year and I gotta say, I'm loving it~! =) Alhamdulillah....=)

So far these are what's already happened (sorry for the weird grammar) :

1. Moved into a new house and I'm loving it. It's chic (at least in my eyes ;) ), small, cute and so close to everywhere else. I get to walk everywhere now! :) Thereby catering my long-overdue need for some exercise :).

2. Walking alongside the river every morning to class. Beautiful. Just beautiful. There's the morning breeze. There's the trees turning different shades of red welcoming autumn. There's the sounds of water gushing through the dam. There's the water, clean and clear reflecting the blue sky above.

3. More clinical stuff in class. Although I think, it might just be me that's only noticing it now. I like it though. More applications. And more things make sense. Like why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place.

These are the good things Alhamdulillah. But knowing Czech Republic, I think, most of the time, it'd be us that needs to push for some excitement. Be initiative and push ourselves more to participate. 'Cause, from experience, the teachers sure are not going to do it for us. We, or specifically, I, have to make my own experience here exciting. It took me 4 years and a hospital attachment at UM to realize it, but I sure am not going to waste my one year more here despising and lamenting on it. I need to make the best of this year. Both as a student and as something more.

w'salam wbt

2010-04-29T06:18:00.000-07:00

manusia memang pandai mengumpat

nak cakap depan-depan kat muka orang tuh tak berani

dengan Allah

yang for sure dh memang dengar and lihat segala-galanye

sikit pun tak takut

berani saje.

manusia memang pandai buat dosa

meniru dalam exam

mengutuk berjela-jela

berdua-duaan laki pompuan tak kawin

semuanya berani

kalo cikgu kantoikan, takut betul

kalo org yg dikutuk terdengar,

terus mendiam

kalo masuk paper ke org tau ke kene tangkap parents ke

kite berdua-duaan

bukan main malu

tapi dengan Allah

sikit pun tak

takut dgn manusia

takut dgn orang

tapi dengan Allah

sikit pun tak

orang lain nak pertahankan agama

die lekehkan

perli memanjang

org islam ke ape nih

kate je islam, tapi perjuangkan agama lain

bukannye nk bincang ke

redakan keadaan ke

support saudara sendri

dan izzah dgn agama sendri

kalau tak bangga dgn islam

abis tuh nk bangga dgn apa?

nak perjuangkan agama barat??

huh,

nama je islam

tapi menduakan agama sendri

manenye tauhid?

afwan. ana terlalu marah.

2010-04-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

oh tomorrow

my sigh my sigh

sigh...tomorrow...

of anguish, bitterness and pain

of loud mouths flying high

and meaningless conversation

shattering, dissolving

into thin air

despairing words

of utter rubbish

lost in the substance

of mere discussions

of people and people and people

more complaints and complaints and complaints

endless gibberish from a gibbering mouth

destructively shallow shallow shallow

oh utter anguish

o silent frustration

sealed sealed sealed

for a purpose

o sigh

oh silent day

hold on

another

shut your ears

and shut your eyes

just shut your ears

and shut your eyes

oh groping heart

oh yearning soul

Where is Malaysia heading?

2010-04-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Assalamu'alaikum wbt,

It is a wonder really, where is Malaysia heading. I've been chatting with some friends and again and again with different crowds, the topic of Malaysia's route to self-destruction comes up. Its crazy, really, if you look at the news in Malaysia'a newspapers. There's just so many problems, and yet the government is so busy at pursuing the developed country status ie Malaysia Maju 2020. It is crazy, seriously.

You have people "throwing" babies all over the place, the crime rate is not any better, corruption in politics and in law, youngsters are still quite illiterate in some places, you have illegal squatters all over the most "developed" city because they can't afford the houses, "murtad" cases are sprouting like mushrooms, racial tensions are high, drug abuse rates have never reduced, and yet, and yet, the government are chasing some stupid "developed country" title. What exactly is the form of development is the government looking for? High rise buildings, mega sales, shopping complexes, bombastic image?? when the people of the country itself are suffering, not happy, addicted to some stupid substances, restless and hedonistic???

Is this the kind of development the country wants??

Crazy!

Where is stability? Where are ethics and moral? Where are dignities and identity? Where is the pride and courage? Where are the leaders? Where are principles and discipline? Where's the peace? Where's the fun in learning? Where are communities? Where are the eastern manners and courtesy and beauty?

The government seem bent at acquiring only material gains. These will not satisfy any soul and with it, the country will have the Malaysia Maju title, but behind that pretty name, you will many many more problems, disintegration, and basically decay in the society.

There is no point in chasing a title, if the meaning of the tile is not there. It's like having a beautiful green, big, fragrant durian, but when you open it, and expect some sweets fruits inside, suddenly you're disappointed when inside it is empty. Turns out, it was not as beautiful as it looks. Beautiful on the outside but empty inside.

Wallahu'alam.

Missing the US

2010-04-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Assalamu'alaikum wbt,

gosh...I didn't how I miss the US...

I was watching this video on youtube by brother Nouman Ali Khan, I'm sure you guys have heard of him, really famous guy. Erm he was talking about Why and How to learn Arabic..and suddenly I realized how much I wanted to be there..

You see...brother Nouman is actually one of the instructors at Bayyinah institute, a centre for learning the Arabic language. They provide courses in classical arabic and arabic literary. I was interested in this one course they have, or actually, planning to offer. It's called the Dream project. I find it very interesting especially after listening to one of brother Nouman's tafseer session at Kalamullah. Here, I'll give you the link

link

I was listening and I was struck by how different it was from any other tafseer I've ever listened to. It actually explored a different side of the Qur'an. It's different, really, you should check it out yourselves.

Erm...there's a part of me that want to learn arabic. It's not that strong, maybe coz I'm not that into learning a language. I picked up English, I guess when I was in the US. And I read a lot. So, a lot of it is by exposure. And the grammar and everything I guess, it just comes naturally with reading the language you know. But, learning a language in the formal way, of memorizing and grammar and connecting it all together with all these rules. I don't know. Maybe coz I'm lazy. Maybe. I don't know. How do you get a language naturally? Hmm..

I've thought of like going to Egypt or Mauritania where my favourite Sheikh learned before, to learn Arabic. You know, stay there for a year or something. But, honestly, I have no interest in Egypt, a huge interested in Mauritania, but at the moment knows no one close there and of course no means and feasible plan to go there. If the world was mine, I'd probably just take a plan and fly over there and learn.

But I guess, US has always struck a sweet cord with me. I've thought going to Zaytuna institute, but the course seemed to rigorous and scary for my taste.. Masjid Omar is another...then, there's this Bayyinah Institute.

Hm...I don't know...now, at this moment writing this down...It suddenly feels like a past life, that life of mine in the US. I didn't stayed that long, but I guess it left a trace. You know, I've never felt that much anger towards the US. Their President and government killed the Muslims, but not their people. And, the US that I know was not evil. In fact, it was the place that I remember good memories. Very much in contradiction to what I feel when I came back to M'sia.

I don't know if I ever want to go back. You hear so many things in the media post 9/11....But, I don't know...I think..the US's people...I think, they're forgiving. I don't know..I lived in one of the small city...not New York or anywhere close to that, so, I don't know. I guess, in areas where there's no evangelists or in small cities, it's probably not so bad to go back...I don't know..I'll let fate take the lead..

The thing is, I don't know if I ever want to go back to M'sia. The Malaysia that I know has never welcomed me. And that's the truth from the very bottom of my heart. And I know, people will I dah lupa daratan or something daring to say this public. But I'm not saying this out of hate towards Malaysia. Malaysia will always be my home country. And I have no intention on changing nationality or disowning my roots. This is just how I feel. And what I feel is from the experiences that I've had in living in two different countries.

I worry, honestly. Of raising a child, building a family in Malaysia. I seriously do not know how I can raise a good child in the environment Malaysia is in right now. It's a daunting thought.

Till then.

Salam.

Endurance and Life

2010-04-02T02:57:00.000-07:00

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh,

Hi! :I its been a long time..at least I feel it has been..since I've written here..I guess I've been busy.
This blog has been pretty much like a diary or maybe more like a journal..And I've been aching to write..You know I have these narratives in my head all the time..And I wanted to put in down on paper..but just I guess, there's some other more prior/priority things comes up.

Anyways..

I was studying for my Sports Medicine final a few a days ago and I came to this powerpoint slide

And so it talks about endurance, basically the ability to withstand long duration or period of exercise...

Immediately HACC comes to my mind. Its my old club back in my A-Level years and its one club that has etched quite a notch in the memories of my short 24 years of life so far. HACC stand for Hiking and Camping Club. And we do of course a lot of hiking and camping, but we also do other outdoorsy-adventurous/extreme sports. Thing like white water rafting, wall-climbing, kayaking, paintball and so on.

The thing that came to mind when I see this word endurance is my first mountain. Its called Gunung Jerai (Mount Jerai) and also my last one. Called Mount Kinabalu.

I remember the first time I went a mount..was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my entire life. At least you know, physically horrible. Up to that point in my life, I had never been camping, never went into a forest much less scale a mountain. I joined the club exactly for that reason. I wanted to experience something new. And so, I was probably big-headed..I had no idea how tough it'd be to climb a mountain. I thought you know, you just go up. You just walk and walk...and if you have not reached the top, keep walking again. I had this fairly simple logic and this was exactly the one I hold on to all the way up.

But oh God. Seriously, it was not easy. Seriously. When you get so tired, that tired, nothing almost completely nothing crosses your mind as your moving. You're just telling yourself again and again, okayh girl, just put this one in front of the other, okay, now again, this foot in front of that one, don't stop moving, you can do this, it's not that far, just a little bit more, alright, come on. And I was calling Allah. I thought I'd might just die of exhaustion. I prayed that if I die now, please, make it worth it. I was well aware that this is probably not how I hope to die. You knwo, death during a purposeless mountain climb is not the way I wanted to go. But, I was really really spent. Extremely exhausted. I can feel every muscle aching. I heaving. I was bent almost to the ground trying to push myself to keep on going. It was at night (night climb), so thank God no one can see me in that state. But it was horrible.

But, so, that was you know, my first mountain. You know, when you buy a new shoe, you have to break it in or some say bite it before you can actually wear it with comfort. Well that's how I felt the first mount first. It was like, you have to break into it first.

Several mounts after that was not as bad for me. You still need to push yourself, but you're a lot more prepared.

The time I Allah let me climb Kinabalu, was one of the best thing I've ever experienced in my life. Erm, I like nature. And this time, I was alhamdulillah able to look around and enjoy the nature, in spite of the usual physical struggle.

You see, with the first mount, I was very engulf in pushing and motivating, just basically with the inner struggle to just keep on moving. So, in that frame of mind, you're not aware of what's around you. You're not able to enjoy the scenic landscape around you or to appreciate the beauty. Alhamdulillah as you get more accustomed and your physiology adapts itself to that kind of stress, Allah gives you the vista or the opportunity to see the beauty around you.

So with Kinabalu, alhamdulillah I was able to just experience and appreciate the beautiful nature.
But it took quite a lot of hardwork and consistence.

About three to four months before the climb, I start preparing myself. I'd go jogging every single day about an hour a day to build up my fitness and endurance. The goal was not strength but endurance. I make sure I eat healthy. There was no ice or cold drinks. And I stayed away from junk food. It was also I guess to train my discipline.

Once you get on the mountain. The most important thing for me is consistency. For others, and I think for actually quite a many others, the style is to go fast and strong. They would up really fast, some of them even at the speed of running, and then take a long break/rest every now and then. For me, I'm more of and I like to take more of the slow-and-steady way. I would walk at a steady pace, and I would keep it at that pace all the way through. I take stops but not long one. Just a short break. The challenge with this course, is you have be laid-back, calm, persistent and not be swayed by people constantly overtaking you. Usually first they'll overtake you, then, when they're taking their long stops, you move ahead of them, then, once they start moving again, they overtake you again. But I don't mind, I like going slow and steady.

The first 2 hours or so, I had to really push myself. From previous experience of climbing, at first you have to push yourself. Then, there will be this one point, where you don't have to push yourself anymore, and your body will be completely relaxed and moving automatically on its own. That point actually is quite a huge rush.

And so, the first 2 hours are the most challenging. These first hours, I have to motivate myself profusely, really tell myself to continue walking, don't stop, breath in a fixed rhythm, keep on moving and so on. It's the most difficult stage and its the one you're most likely to give up at. But if I give up at this stage, I know it would be much more harder to continue on. Because if you stop at that first stage, your body cannot adapt, and you will have to start programming it as if from the start and you'll have to push again. And you don't want to be stuck in that cycle throughout the whole climb. So, I have to convince myself that I will reach that easy point after this hard stage, for me to keep on going.

In this first stage, the exhaustion will build up. At first, you will feel okay, not too bad. Then, it will get slowly more tiring. Then, it gets exhausting. Then, you will so completely tired that you'd just want to turn around and go back down the mount. You'd want to stop. You'd start thinking about all those other things that you could have been doing right now. You'd start thinking about Haagen Daaz and Baskin Robbins and Neslo and all your favourite. And you'd about just sitting down and just sleeping. This is probably the hardest point in the whole climb for me. At this moment, I really really have to fight myself. Fight all my nafsu, all those disturbing thoughts that's telling me to just stop and give up. I tell you, it's very hard. And the one thing that I use to keep me going is that hope for that transition point, that this is normal for the first stage, and I will get over it, and things will be easy after that.

If you keep going and going, you will finally reach that transition point. It's like, you feel like, something switched on, or click with your physiology/body. Just suddenly, your mind is clear and body is relaxed. You don't feel tired anymore. And there's no need for that profuse hard motivations because its as if you're on autopilot. Your legs are just moving on its own. And your eyes and and your mind is free to wonder. Its actually quite exhilarating. This is the best best moment of the whole climb.

From this point onwards, I can think about anything and everything. Its just me and my Allah. I can throw my sight to this beautiful landscape around me and breath its refreshing air and just be completely at peace. I can express my feelings to Allah. I can ponder on my problems outside of this moment, problems with friends, at home, whatever. It's like..I don't know how to say...It's peaceful. And you'd given the chance to just comb throughout your life and be completely grateful everything that Allah has given you. And this feeling, it stays with you, all the way up to the peak, when you're viewing this vast vast landscape and you feel so small against this tremendous creation and you're amazed at God and this feeling stays with all the way down when you make your way back.

Its an amazing feeling. Amazing experience.
____________________________________________________________________

When I look back at that experience, I to relate it a lot with my daily life and I try to apply the concepts involved.

The general concept of not giving up and to be persistent and consistent and be disciplined in all that you do is very much applicable every day. Also, the feeling of being overtaken by others that seems to be moving faster than myself, has huge parallelism in my life. A lot of time, I know I have to stick to my principles no matter how much others are moving past me. Whenever the society say that this is right or okay, but I know it is wrong, this is the moment that concept apply. You know, as a muslim, we are the ghuraba' of this age. We are weird in society's eyes. And we are odd. And we are against the tide, the stream of the river. Now, how do you find the strength to stick to it. To go on doing you know what is right, when everyone else is doing exactly the opposite. Its tough. Admitted and unarguably, it is tough. This is what keeps me going. Knowing that, at one one point, this will get easy. And it will feel like heaven.

You've already got that taste of heaven every day you know. When its just you and your Allah. And you feel His caress, and nothing else matters. You feel that every day.

Imagine a day..
When the sun is bright, but you feel no heat,
When the breeze is just right
And you feel free
And just nice
And the trees are green
Flowers blooming
The sea as blue as the sky
Birds singing its melodious zikr
And you're the ones you love
And your stomach full
And your mood happy..

You know...that will come
And you just have to believe in it
That it will be for you
Just keep at it
InsyaAllah
He is the Most Loving, Most Kind, Most Generous
He is waiting for you
Its up to you to come.

=)

Life as I know it..today

2010-03-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

Life as we know it is coming to an end

And the more I live it

The more I'm disappointed

I know I can't say this

This life and everything on earth is a blessing from God

I know that

And I can't possible say no

But it disappoints me to see how people are..

I am in this workforce

Not your typical one

But one that tries to change the world

Making an actual serious committed effort to change things

And clearly going against the tide

Against what everyone else is doing

And looking completely incomprehensible to the common eye

And in my work so far...

I am seeing too many incongruence

And it saddens me even more..

There are those explicit ones you expect

And yet I am shocked and sadden every single time

And there are those internal ones

That's just completely unfathomable

and disheartening

hampering and disappointing

I don't know what I expected

But I did not expect this

I can't wrap my mind around it you know

I'm trying to understand

But to be honest I don't

I think it is absurd, ridiculous and extremely selfish

I just cannot understand this kind of behaviour

It's absurd

It's completely absurd..

I'm trying to understand

I'm trying my hardest without compromising my principles

And without getting dragged into the same tide

I just can't understand this.

---

Someone told me..

When you've worked your hardest

And you've tried everything

It's time for you to let go

I think that's what I need to do you know.

Not give up in my work

But to let go

to Allah

There are things He does...that He lets happen

that's completely beyond our understanding

no matter how much we thought it over

And when you've reached that point

letting go is the best thing..

But my prayers will go on

I don't want to take advantage to know

Fold up my arms, or put my legs on the coffee table

I really don't

And I'm forever scared that God will be mad at me for not doing enough

I don't wanna slack

Coz I don't wanna be an ungrateful creation

This life is a test

And I'm forever missing heaven

And I wish I could return home someday.

2010-03-02T14:42:00.000-08:00

"Aku tinggalkan manusia kerana aku mengenali mereka

Telah banyak pengalamanku bersama teman demi teman

Setiap hari, aku gembira menyambut permulaanya

Namun akhirnya aku sedih melihat penghujungnya."

Bingkisan sebuah syair Arab.

I feel it so close to my heart...

About what I feel about friendships. About the people I meet in the span of my short life. The love and heartbreaks (friendship-wise)...

I've only met one person that is like a gem amongst all the glass

She's genuine, she's caring, she's forever understanding

She would never think bad of me

I mean, her first thoughts are always good of you, and after that, only then she would ask

We click

And like cliche in novels - we can 'finish each other's sentences'

I don't know if she knows..

But I truly treasure her

Even though I've tested her quite a lot

sampai hati

2010-03-01T14:04:00.000-08:00

oh Allah,

hati yang sedih perlu dirawati,

pipi yang basah perlu dikeringkan,

langkah yang longlai perlu dikuatkan kembali,

jiwa yang lemah ini memerlukan pangkuan kekuasaanMu,

oh Allah, I need your love,

I need your comfort...

Cinema

2010-02-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

Salam,

I've always found cinemas disturbing. The idea of paying 10 bucks for two hours of puristic entertainment in the dark. For a Muslim, this does not make sense.

There's that idea of first of all paying for mere entertainment. And its not just in sen, but in ringgit. It's a lot of money to be spending on entertainment.

Then there's the fact of pure entertainment. You're not going there for anything worthy of your mind, but for relaxation. Which should be only for a while. To regroup and refocus and loosen the stress and headaches for a while. Taking a break for 2-3 hours did not make sense.

Then there's the darkness. Why would you ever want to go in a room full of unmarried people, in black darkness. You know what couples, unmarried couples are doing in there. So, why do you want to go in.

hm..it's baffling for me. odd.

Wallahu'alam.

train of thoughts

2010-01-27T02:59:00.000-08:00

Assalamu'alaikum,

I was looking at all these YM statuses and I was thinking how varied the interests are between people and yet this trend of one time, really, being addicted to a specific train of thoughts and another time hooked on another. It goes in phases. And people follow these phases. Either completely in awareness of it or not aware of it at all. There's nothing wrong it. Its part of sunnatullah. When you are given that thrill of a specific thought process, you'll fell the rush of it for awhile. Sometimes its ticks around longer. Sometimes short. But, all insyaAllah can be beneficial if viewed with an open mind. And of course if everything is within the syariah.

I was thinking you know. Basically I click on these statuses once in awhile. And so I got to this vid called A Land Called Paradise, which is a song for peace, sung by Kareem Salama. Its a a wonder actually. A blessing. Alhamdulillah. Just a few moments back, I was looking for this guy. About 2 years ago, I went to London for this expo called the IslamExpo. They had these like mini-concerts two nights. And each one presented an ensemble of contemporary Muslim artists who sings basically Arabic or English songs. You had to get a separate ticket for those concert. Separate from your ticket for the Expo itself. I didn't want spend too much on these concerts but I do wanna watch what Muslims generally outside of my country is listening to nowadays. And I'm not a big fan of the nasheed brand I was exposed to in my country, so I decided to just go for one of the concert. Fortunately, the Expo itself had printed a very very nice booklet or more like a magazine for the Expo itself. And so, in there, you had a brief description and pictures of all the artists that were performing. And so, basically, when I got back from the trip, I searched YouTube for these artists. And one of them was Kareem Salama.

So, basically, that was like 2 years ago. And I've forgotten the guy's name. But, I remember that I liked a one or two of his songs. And I was looking for them, when I clicked on that particular YM status. And Alhamdulillah you know...there he was! A miracle! Alhamdulillah..

There was another YM status that I clicked on. And it led me to this amazing talk by this Syeikh in the US. Basically about the tafsir of surah al-Kahf. Amazing really. How in depth that surah is. And the lessons you learn are tremendous. Some things you would never have thought about if you read it alone on your own. Alhamdulillah. From there, you know...there was a link provided..and from there you get to a bunch of other really good talks. And Alhamdulillah God has given me such tremendous insights on things through those talks. Although I don't dare listen/watch too much of them. Cause I do know, that you gotta practice you know, you know. Its like, what's the point of me getting to know so much, if I don't absorb it well. If I don;t sit and ponder. And really think about how this portrays and apply in my life. And how I can change form this thing that I know. So, you know, I don't quite like much to watch so many things or read so many things, except for things that change the way I look at things. Things that change my mind. Things that change my perception. These kinda things, talks like these, I think everyone need to give more attention to. Although, there is a risk of getting too caught up in thought processes that you end up not actually doing anything, but just completely engulf in discussing thought processes. This is basically the traps that most philosophers get into. Its not that its completely wrong. For the philosophers themselves, at least for those that are actually rooted, or that actually a solid belief/principle...for them, discussing these philosophies have an impact in their life. They are able to translate those philosophy into solid actions. But, this is only for themselves. And for the group of students that they teach. or basically their apprentices who probably has the exact same in-built mechanism in them. But, this is a very very small subculture. A minority in fact. And their exertions on the public as whole, where majority of the ummah resides, is almost too little.

You know, when the ummah looks at them. And reads their writings. Or hear their opinions. That ummah is not able to translate that same train of thoughts into actions. Or the ummah could completely misunderstand and act 180 degrees off-course. Now this is the thing that I think is the weakness of going through or specializing or sticking life-or-death with this method. This is where I think is the weakness of philosophers and, analogously, academics and scholars. There is a failure in transmitting their wisdom to the public. And one of the big reason, I think is the lack of jumping into the society. Meaning actually mixing with the crowd, really moulding them slowly, with the aim of giving understanding, moulding that understanding and really making a solid, physically, can-be-seen effort at changing the society. Indulging in discussions and philosophical discussion in the sense of merely doing only just that, and completely engulfing oneself in that pursuit for a higher sophisticated philosophical or academic or scholarly understand is in fact futile. And definitely, not what will change the ummah at this current state that we are in. This state of weak iman that crumbles so easily in the face of the west or any other un-Imanic influence, this state of Muslims not even knowing their own deen, not even doing the basic acts of submission like solat and zakat and sawm, the state of the ummah completely in assabiyah and sick wahn. Face the reality. This is the state of the ummah! The ummah is not in need of knowing the different ways of taking the wudhu' according to this scholar or that scholar or according to this mazhab or that mazhab. They don't even know why they are taking the wudhu'. They don't even feel the cleansing of that act in meeting their God purity. They don't even feel their God there. These are rituals they do everyday. So, it feels wrong not to do it. Not wrong because of betrayal to Allah. Or the feeling of complete love towards the Allah that you praying to. Or the torture of missing Him so dearly if you miss even one appointment. Of if you face that appointment in dirt and impurities. No. The ummah does not feels this. So what is the point of knowing all those differences in methods of taking wudhu' if the heart is not there. if Iman is not there. If taqwa is not there. If even belief is not there. Syirk is the bigger problem here.
,,,

I was searching for Hamza Yusuf on YouTube. Just looking for some recent talks. And RausyanFikir posted a very nice rihlah he did with Syed Naquib Al-Attas in Malaysia. Hm! I thought. Cool!. So I clicked on it.

I knew about Syed Naquib Al-Attas before. I don't know that much. Just basically know that he is a Malaysian thinker. I read some stuff RausyanFikir wrote about his meeting with the Syeikh. But I couldn't follow the discussion. Too much terms I don't know. I think most probably, students of philosophy can follow. But I'm a student of Medicine. So, it was almost impossible.

Anyway. My dad e-mailed me one about the Syeikh's reponse in the use of kalimah Allah in a Christian magazine. It was like an issue in Malaysia. This time around, for this issue, I don't feel its necessary to discuss in blogs or whatever in lengthy detail. You will go around in circles. This is what I think. There's a lot of angle in which you can approach this issue. And basically, this is an issue to blind a bigger agenda that is no even in that loop of discussions. And I don't mean that that agenda is Kristianisasi. I would just say here, that Muslims should look at themselves. The key to the whole big highly media-ized and public-ized issue is actually just within a Muslim self.

Okay, anyways. I read the view of the Syeikh regarding the issue. I thought it was okay. But it was not something that hooked me in you know. I respect the Syeikh, but you know, I probably won't be searching the guy up on YouTube for latest talks. Basically he's good. But, taste, likening and the feeling of somehow like being a fan, is relative.

From the rihlah between him and S. Hamza Yusuf, I understand more his (S. Al-Attas's) style. Basically, how he delivers is message or point. So, Alhamdulillah. The talk was a very good complement to his answer to the kalimah Allah issue in the e-mail my dad sent me.

It's Alhamdulillah a good lesson to be learnt. A little bit of knowledge will make a person arrogant. But a lot will make him humble.

And this is the precise tadabbur of the ayat:

We raise in degrees whom We will, but over every possessor of knowledge is one [more] knowing. (Surah Yusuf ayat 76)

And Allah has revealed to you the Book and wisdom and has taught you that which you did not know. And ever has the favor of Allah upon you been great. (Surah An-Nisa' ayat 113)

There is no god but He: That is the witness of Allah, His angels, and those endued with knowledge, standing firm on justice. There is no god but He, the Exalted in Power, the Wise. (Surah Ali-'Imran ayat 18)

Wallahu'alam.

=)

2010-01-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

salam

oh gosh. it's been a long time since I last listen to Hamza Yusuf talk. Just watched this one just now. Just gotta say...."I'm Loving It!" =) erk..sorry...I'm just a fan.. =)

His points always grabs my attention, and I love his style and knowledge and how integrates and presents things in, I would say, a very unique manner, unlike any speaker I've heard of. Anyways, here's the talk:

salam! =) Let's try to remember these reminders and apply them in our plans for the future (marriage/family), InsyaAllah!

age don't matter

2010-01-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

salam

erm.. I actually don't quite want to write this in, but I dunno....a lot of things I think needn't need to be said, but a lot of times in discussions or plain chats with my friends, these things end up being said....a lot of things I think, people can understand on their own....turns out...not from my point of view, but, really, from experiences...most of those things turned out needing to be explained or least, pointed out...I know this sounds very very conceited....I don't mean it that way...I can only guess that I need to say this..because you know sometimes...., when you say something.....what you say..can immediately nullify it...I'll give you an example..

When someone says "I am pious". As soon as he says that, you know he is not.

Or when a someone claims he's a mujtahid, immediately you know he is not one. At least, not the mujtahid.

Or when someone says "I am the best Muslim around", you know he is not.

Get what I mean...?
These kind of statements...,
these...I don't like to say. Things about myself and what I actually think about things. But, to be someone who wants to spread Islam or wants to see good in this world, anyone, you need to say it out to people. I really really don't like to write what I'm about to write...it's not that its bad...but people might perceive of me otherwise, just because of me just saying it. This is kinda like the issue that I have with myself a lot of times. I want to say something, yet, I don't put myself out there, you know, I'd rather just stay below the radar, but that is never the role of a Muslim. So, you know, there's always these tugs of war.

Anyways, the title above is 'age don't matter'. Okay, as I said, I don't quite know if everyone feels this way about age, or don't feel this way and as I said above, I'm not quite sure if it needs to be pointed out. But, I'll just go on and say it out. Hope it's fine with everyone.

Erm, age don't matter.

As I go on more and more in life, as I get older, as I basically age and live and go through things and most importantly learn, what I know of Islam is that it can be found anywhere. Seriously, anywhere! You can find it in the park, in the bus, in your room, with your family, in schools, at the beaches, in the air, in the soil, in the tummy of a mother, in the hearts of man, in the minds of geniuses, even in the most unexpected places such as in pubs, clubs, football fields, cinemas, movies, games, clothes, fashion, etcetra etcetra. Literally everywhere! Characters of Islam is everything and anything that is good in this world. Everytime you are anywhere, and in any situtation, you see that Islam there, if and only if, you are a truly subservient Muslim only to Allah and Allah alone, and if you have the sensitive heart of a Muslim who is yufaqqihu fiddeen.

A Muslim, who is truly true to his shahadah, who will have already learned the aqidah, and know completely how to distinguish between what is Islam and what is Jahiliyah (Non-Islam), will immediately see what is Islam in each aspect of his or her life.

For example, if he reads a story about a child being good to his parents, he sees that as Islam. It doesn't matter if that child happens to be a Jew living in a lush house in Tel Aviv. It doesn't matter if the writer is a self-pronounced Zionist. A Muslim would still see that quality of being good to your parents as a very Islamic quality.

The same goes for age. Age don't matter when it comes to Islam. You can learn so much from a child. You can also learn a lot from a grandfather or a grandmother. You can learn from your senior, one year older than you. Or your junior, one year younger than you. Needless to say, you can also learn from your peers.

Sometimes, tables can turn. The person who you use to give tuitions to, to teach with all your heart, mould him/her from knowing nothing to knowing everything, is suddenly so much more smarter than you. So much successful. So much more rich, maybe. More filled with wisdom. And is blessed with the intelligence of a lot of things. He or she ends up now teaching you. The student has become the teacher. If this knowledge is Islam, can you accept that? Or will your pride and ego get in the way? Or will traditions be put as your ilah over Allah? Or your emotions as an ilah over Allah? Or your feeling of 'huh, this kid who's still wet behind the ears wants to teach me?? the mighty me who used to be his teacher?!?!?' ?

Islam is something that is so so precious. You can get it anywhere, everywhere. You just need to open up your heart, soften it a bit, really open it, to accept that Islam anywhere and anywhere in any situation. Open up your horizon. Seriously. And be willing to be faithful. It's, MashaAllah, a beautiful feeling. Don't let your grudges about things, or about the past, or about being hurt by somebody or some situation, get in the way of you being Islamic, of you being a good Muslim, who knows how to be kind to his peers and be gentle as his Prophet s.a.w. Things happen always for a reason. And actually when you think about, if you are complaining, in reality, who are you complaining at? Isn't it a shame if you suddenly find that it is Allah? All things come from Allah, So if you're complaining about things, you're basically complaining about Allah. Astaghfirullah.

It's really something to ponder about...

The last thing any Muslim intends, is to suddenly not be Islamic. The last thing any Muslim intends to do is hurt Allah in the sense of complaining about Him or be completely unfaithful or ungrateful to Him. The last thing any Muslim intends to do too, is to hurt their friends and neighbours in any way, be it by the words they say or the things they do. In this respect, let's be kind to our friends. Take care of the words we say and how we say it. And the best example we have in how to treat our friends is Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. Get to know him and emulate him. He is our best example of a best friend.

Wallahu'alam. :)

p/s: Points in this article is basically applicable to anything in life, be it age, ranks/posts, nationality, culture, language, country, personality, past, future, organisation, etc etc. See and differentiate Islam in all these things, and open up your heart to accept it. InsyaAllah. And of course, always start anything with a prayer (doa/dua) to the Creator. He is the Keeper of hearts, so pray to Him to open your heart fresh every single time. ;) :)

Chemistry - possibly my bane (rhetorically)

2009-12-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

Salam,

One of the things I don't like in life is Chemistry.

As far back as I can remember, it is the one subject that has ever gotten me a C. And it frustrated me then so much. First, because I had never gotten a C. And second, because I know I deserve that C. Because every time I stepped out of that Chemistry lab, I felt as stupid as a donkey. I was confused, I couldn't understand what was going on, those equations were making me crazy, especially those molar concentrations and ratios. Argh!

I've said before that I've never cared about grades but about understanding. I was so frustrated with Chemistry because of that. That I didn't understand what was going on.

Back in high school, Chemistry was somehow not that hard. Most I could figure out with logic. Same with maths, I tend to understand things logically and then, just applied them on those questions on paper. I don't much like doing mathematical exercises/problems, and I don't like checking my answers after finishing pages of those equations in the tests. And Chemistry was the same. Some required memorization but most I applied logic.

But when you get to A-levels...you'll meet the mother of all Chemistry...Organic Chemistry.
Urgh. All those memorizations involved, all those different reactions and pathways, just do not make sense to me. How do you possibly prove that these things are happening. Can you look under a microscope, and see these atoms and molecules the way they are portrayed. No. These are only theories. Imaginations of how it might be like. But, seeing the education system in Malaysia, and how I had bought into the whole education pathway that supposedly all the best students of Malaysia are taking.....I had to get better grades from my Chemistry. So I sat down one holiday. I think it was about a week or so. And set myself to studying those Chemistry books. Whatever it is, I'm going to understand this thing.

So, Alhamdulillah, Allah got me through that time. But now again, in med school, Chemistry comes to haunt me again. First, with Biochemistry in my 2nd year, and now Pharmacology in my 4th year. I think, Allah has not bless me with any sort of liking of Chemistry. It's just as hard now as it was then. If I could only use my logic, I would. But here, I have to do the same thing I did back at A-level, take the subject seriously, study and memorize first, even though they're all imaginations of reactions drawn as colourful pictures in books that can never be proven..., only then, after you've put yourself to studying that thing, can you apply your logic. At the moment, I'm not faring so well. Been busy with other stuff. Have not really been putting myself to any real study of those drugs. Cause and effect. To get through this, I need to really seriously multitask and put some serious effort into things. Focus.

I pray to Allah that things will be fine. And that he will shut away all the fitnah from the hearts of men.

Amin.

InsyaAllah.

Quiet day

2009-12-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

Salam,

My today today, is a quiet day. I went to class in the morning. Back home in the evening. Cook. Pray. Then, went on my pc. Search youtube for some good da'wah video to put on my YM status. And then, opened my tafsir book get some readings done. Then, went on blogger to get a blog entry in. And now, I'm writing here telling you my day. :)

Tired now. Need sleep...good nite guys. =)

bye bye!

I'm only human

2009-11-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

Salam,

It's difficult being with non-Muslims who don't understand (sometimes its a minority, sometimes its a majority, sometimes depending on my mood too...urh..i'm only human). When you have to contend with smirks and internally-snide remarks. It would be nice to have people who would at least respect that everyone has their own belief no matter how silly they seem, and to just let them be...

I guess I have to be patient. I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should just say to 'em " what's your problem? If you don't like religion and if you don't want to believe, then that's you. I want to believe, so leave me alone!" or maybe "You want to know why I'm so fussy about my hijab right? Or why I don't go out with boys. Or drink in pubs. Fine. Ask me why! Stop sniding me all day!"

Gosh...it's really frustrating some time. I used to get really mad and angry. Although, I don't show it much (I don't know, maybe it does show on my face. Usually people say I can't hide my feelings. Always it shows on my face..hu...). But now I guess, I'm just more sad. Probably at myself for not being able to communicate to him/her about Islam. I got irked most of the time by their actions. And this irk-ness always makes me feel not so much like wanting to share anything good with 'em, much less be friendly. And ultimately, not wanting to share something as beautiful and pure and precious as Islam with someone as bad as him/her. I felt like, he/she is not worth it. I know. What an arrogant me. This is definitely a really really really bad perception or point of view, right. Especially for someone who wants to do da'wah. Definitely not the way to go. Bad bad perception. I hope I don't mean it. Gosh it's just, I get frustrated you know! hm Okay, fine, really. I have to get it out of my mind. It's not good. This kinda feeling is definitely not Islam.

hu..

I'm only human. And I have feelings just like anyone. And I get frustrated too.

I'm not a superwoman. I can't do everything. And when I do one thing, other things do fall apart. I'm trying to learn. I'm learning. And it will take time. I'm no angel. I'm only human.

The best I can do right now is be patient (sabr). And have faith in Allah. And make dua. There's only the best to hope for.

Fisabilillah!

Salam.

Perfection

2009-11-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

Salam,

I guess I've never been one to strive for perfection. To me, life is something to be cherished, to be experienced. I guess I've never been the one who would strive for straight A's or perfect points or 100%. I try to do my best, but if I make mistakes, it's fine. I like doing things and not care too much about the result.

There are times when I felt I was slacking too much. And I sorta push myself those times. But, at heart, I'm not a perfectionist. And I think at least for me, that is a good thing. I do hope that I will keep doing my best at things. At heart, I'm the kind of person that likes to understand rather than to master and I hope I will keep on understanding, but at the same time I think I need to not undermine mastery. I'm learning that mastery is actually important. And that there's nothing wrong or insincere or dishonest about striving for it.

Oh Allah, Lord of the universe, King of the worlds, you are my master, you are my guide, give me guidance and strengthen my heart. Amin.

Love,
Your servant.

OneRepublic

2009-11-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

Salam,

Ryan Tedder's a musical genius :) !
The new album sound really good...They're going with a slightly different sound this time around..but still very orchestra-ic/U2 =) i'm loving it! =)

2009-11-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

I miss our conversations
Those chats we had every night
I miss talking about the world
And about Islam, books and life
I miss telling you my day
And what I'm going through
I miss our sharing of opinions
And experiences
I miss someone to talk to
With absolute comfort
I miss speaking my mind
With unedited words
I miss being totally myself
And speaking my own language
I miss talking, period
And I miss you.

al-Mathurat

2009-10-26T22:28:00.000-07:00

Salam,

I remember the first I heard of al-Mathurat. I was at my former boarding school (common in Malaysia) and we just had our first congregational Maghrib prayer. I was just about to get up when the head of my wing announced that we were gonna read the Mathurat. I thought, what's al-Mathurat? I sat down and listened...

I've never heard of any of it and I could not even mime my lips to it to try to even pretend that I know. I was half-intrigued and half-worried that this was some alien cult teaching. But someone gave me a small printed copy of the rhymes they were repeating. And I decided to look.

To be truly honest...., I was struck speechless.

These rhymes...these words of the Mathurat...these...are amazing words. Beautiful, elegant and emotionally, deep, self-sacrificing, full-submissionly honest, selfless words. And I...I just couldn't utter them.

I couldn't repeat those words with the rest. I couldn't just go with the rhyme and allocated time. I couldn't sit and read again and again with that melody they had,.. and not feel anything. I couldn't read it every night and close that minibook in my hand and then smile and return to my daily routine. I just couldn't do it.

I think those words mean too much to me. If I read, I had to read it with meaning. I had to feel it in my heart. I have put myself in the zone and truly understand what I read. Knowing what the words mean, I can't turn back on them, and start reading them off like some charm or rhyme. I don't know Arabic, and therefore, like many Malaysians, a lot of worship involves reading off what we memorized without knowing at all the meaning to those words we utter. I've looked into that minibook. That minibook which shows on one page, the caligraphy of the Arabic words, and just on the page beside it, their meanings in Malay. And I can't just shut my eyes to those meanings just right beside.

I like the Mathurat. They are some of the strongest words I've ever encountered my entire life. And they are the first words of Arabic (in the context of worship), that their meaning I've truly paid attention to and care about. Meaning...that they are the first words of worship that I've shed my tears too.

Back in that dorm school, I had to follow the crowd and read off those words in robotic rhymes. It was a regimented rule of the school. So, the crowd had diluted me then. However, that seed had been planted. And the roots had started to grow.

Nowadays, I cannot read the Mathurat without crying. It's impossible. If I read it truly with my heart, I can't possibly not cry. But just like school, there is a culture of reading mathurat as a congregation, reading with a group of people together. And, at these times, it's very very difficult for me to fully feel and put myself full-hearted into feeling those words. In groups, you're acutely aware of people around you. And I personally get shy around crowds in truly expressing what I feel inside. And in crowds, those rhymes are there and you have to follow them. It's part of congregational worship for that togetherness.

Zikr (remembrance of Allah) however, is not primarily encouraged to do in congregation except the solat (5 daily prayers). It is a bida'ah. And I have constant conflicts with the issue whenever I have to zikr in groups. This is probably something that I have to build the courage to to stand up to. The reason most groups do zikr in groups is for the togetherness and that feeling of togetherness. And also as a learning and supportive method to encourage zikr. I guess I probably have to talk to my friends. The ones who understand would understand insyaAllah.

Wallahu'alam.

too old for technology?

2009-10-20T08:51:00.000-07:00

salam

headache today..

seriously....headache..

suddenly feel so old..

just got back from endoscopy seminar..

oh God...am I the only one here that feels that there's just to much artificial-ness?? seriously! metal tube down the throat, into the anal, through the bowel...and then some wire thingy called stent inserted into the mucosa.....urgh...i somehow found it almost vomit-worthy..

i duno...

i guess i'm all about nature?

it's just way too artificial for me..

if doctor said i had to do endoscopy...i would say NO!!!...cut me open but no endoscopy...(probably would change my mind later, but not at this exact moment!)

ortopedics just now was pretty horror too...
but I do like the physical examination though...pretty cool...physiotherapy...

when Medicine enters the heart...

2009-10-19T17:05:00.000-07:00

Salam,

A middle-aged man
a car accident
broken ribs
punctured thorax
intubation
broken pelvis
immobilized
chest tubes, urinary tubes, breathing tubes
fractured ribs
and arms

A 15- year old girl
fell from a high place
suicide attempt
chest tubes
urinary catheter
dislocated head of femur
prepped for operation
tomorrow

Old man
injury to the knee
fluid accumulation
brought to emergency by daughter

Old lady
patella fracture
brought to emergency by daughter
from a different district

Old man
drunk
gash on his scalp
got one stitch
brought to emergency by the ambulance
--------------------------------------
Today I saw.....

A beautiful girl, with fair skin, curly golden hair and a beautiful smile. Today I saw her in bed eating lunch with her pink fingernails. Today I saw a beautiful girl. A girl so beautiful on the outside and yet so unhappy on the inside. Today I saw a girl, that tried to take her life...that tried to commit suicide.

A man, tall and strong. On a bed injured so bad that he can't move. He can't talk. He can't even smile. Today I saw a strong man communicate with only his head to nod. Today I saw a strong man helpless.

Today I saw an old lady and an old man. Brought in to see the doctor by their daughters. At night. Outside office hours. Today I saw the one being nurtured and cared before caring for the nurturer. Today, I saw the roles reversed. Today I saw kindness, unselfishness and love.

And today I saw a drunk. With a gash on his head. And his son not there. And the injury not a first one. And that many more before was also due to drunkenness. And I hate alcohol! And its bad effects. On the poor old man. And other road accidents caused by drunk drivers.

salam.

Summer 2009

2009-10-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

Salam,

School's starting and I think its pretty exciting. =) I like surgery. Learned suturing and it was scary even though it was on a dummy. Heheh. My hands were actually shaking. Silly me...

Anyways, so classes are officially starting today. Lectures started last week, and today, basically starts all the hands-on stuff. I am excited but also kinda nervous and I dunno..scared a bit.

I had a good summer. Meet a lot of people. Learned a lot of things. About things, about people and about myself. I think I have to start thinking and acting like an adult now. Take things a bit more seriously and be more active. I used to be pretty active and I like trying new things and stuff. But lately, things have been pretty and I've been pretty unmotivated to do any more than read books and current issues and stuff. I need to get a bit more physically participative and active.

Alright, basically I think I've learned to be a bit more understanding towards people. Although its not really shown much on the outside at the moment, but I'm trying to adjust it all inside. I do believe it is a process and I think in that sense I need to give myself time to understand and comprehend. Just for the good of my own soul.

Also, there's a lot of diseases of the heart that I'm trying to heal. Things like ego and I dunno, jealousy, self-blaming and so on. I think the heart is a very important element I should take care of. The heart is probably the biggest thing that I've never realized has the biggest power and influence on a human being. And I want to harnest that power. Be a good person.

Okay. I think that's all I want to babble about tonight. See you guys. =)

Salam.

So tired today..

2009-09-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

salam..

owh gosh...I'm so tired today...just got back from Pec Pod Snezka today and I'm just so so tired. It's not so much what I did there, it's more of what's been happening the whole week...phewh~...a good week though...alhamdulillah..

literally, Pec Pod Snezka means "Oven under the Snow"...why it's called that, I have no clue..it's a beautiful place though.. reminds me so much of Kinabalu. In fact, actually, anywhere I go reminds me of Kinabalu. Anywhere where there's beautiful nature spread before you. The sun bright in your face, the air so so fresh and the smell oh Subhanallah the smell..the fragrant..owh..heavenly...

heheh...

yeah...I get like this when it comes to nature. Whenever I get near nature, I would suddenly become extremely quite. I was on the bus just now, and I was thinking the reason of why was I so quiet. I think it's more because, with nature, I tend to internalize the beauty. I don't know if that makes any sense to you guys, but that's the best I could explain it. It's like...when I look at the trees, and being under it's cool shade, and the air when it's so very fresh and the water in the stream, when it's so clear and the sounds of the stream making its way around pebbles and rocks...I don't know...I can't think of anything else you know. My mind just went really quiet and peaceful. And it feels like getting the best present you have ever gotten, a present of beauty unsurpassed by your Lord, your Allah. Subhanallah...Allah The Magnificent...

above, I mentioned Kinabalu. It is a mountain back in my home country. A beautiful tall mountain, the highest peak of Southeast Asia. I actually went there about 3 years ago, in 2006. Went there with some very good friends of mine, about I think 8 or 10 of us. It was an experience of a lifetime. MashaAllah, what you see on top of that mountain is gorgeous. Seriously, I can't describe how so beautiful it is. It's spellbounding. I think if there's no time limit on top of the mount, and if I let myself go, I would be sitting there till I dunno, probably forever. A really really nice place. So nice that I think, I tend to reminiscence or sorta like remember back the place whenever I'm in any natural places. Like for example, in the forest, near rivers, vast open meadows, etcetra.

I used to do a lot these kinda things 3 years back. It was a lot of fun. I had good company. And I loved it. But, not so much these days. I dunno, a lot of the times I went out hiking, or camping or something back then, anytime I came back, it never feels enough or more correctly, something missing is always felt. Like, no matter how much I loved the nature and going exploring in it, it never was able to fill this one space in my heart. And I search for something to fill this one particular emptiness. Almost every month, me and my friends go out to the forest. Or camping or anything like that. But, the happiness was always temporary. And never particularly made me fully comfortable.

Its quite different from what I feel now. I've found the peacefulness that I was searching. It's been there all the time. But, I was too scared to actually delve into it. Fearing the weight that it carries. The no turning back point. Fearing true commitment. And utter letting go. What it is that I've found?

It is the Qur'an. The beautiful book sent down by my Creator, Allah Most Great. The ultimate, real, truest peace anyone can ever find or achieve. The cure to a lonely heart. The peace to a fragile mind, a thundering spirit, a restless ego. I find peace in the Qur'an. I find peace reading its melodious words. I find peace in being near to my Allah. And letting my heart go to Him.

This happened to me and I hope this will encourage anyone who's looking, searching, curious to

Try..

Try opening yourself up to the Qur'an..

Letting yourself go and opening up your mind...

It might be foreign terrain, but trust me, it is worth a try.....^_^

Salam..

Salam

2009-09-22T01:34:00.000-07:00

Assalamu'alaikum

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

Praises for Allah Most Great for letting me live today. For giving me the time I need to remember Him. For giving me the time I need to catch up.

Praises to Allah for getting me through the exams safely. For keeping my head level and intact. For letting me breath his fresh refreshing air, for expanding my lungs and pumping my blood through my fragile veins.

Praises to Allah for allowing me this time to manage these blogs and continue in my quest for knowledge and sharing knowledge. Praises to Allah for giving me these hands to type and a brain to think and share whatever I can. Praises to Allah. Praises to Allah. Praises to Allah.

I am now in the process of getting myself back on the keyboard to start writing again. I'm trying to plan the best I could for next year's entries. My blog's birthday is coming up soon, so, planning planning planning. Erm, at the moment I'm trying to think of what to write till the birthday come. I had a lot of ideas actually during the summer. But, I should hold back a bit because I was in the middle of studying through my exams. Yes, I had to study during the summer. It was a holiday+study. But, you know, nothing's really a holiday for a khalifah of Allah. It's a work work work all the time.

Another thing, I was attending some programs during the summer that was building my fikrah (thought process / mindset / perspective). So..that was holding me back a bit. I thought I should get my fikrah straight first before I write anything. But after some time, I realized your fikrah grows with you.. and that it's always evolving..

Well, there is a basic fikrah in me right. But I'm not quite sure how to write about it. We'll see..

I've been surfing through the net trying to find the best templates for my blogs. None actually feels quite that right. But, whatever. I hope the ones I've applied is good enough. Templates I find creates a mood for the blog. So, that was what I was trying to reach. But, it's tough. Anyways, these are the best at the moment.