al-Mathurat

Salam,

I remember the first I heard of al-Mathurat. I was at my former boarding school (common in Malaysia) and we just had our first congregational Maghrib prayer. I was just about to get up when the head of my wing announced that we were gonna read the Mathurat. I thought, what's al-Mathurat? I sat down and listened...

I've never heard of any of it and I could not even mime my lips to it to try to even pretend that I know. I was half-intrigued and half-worried that this was some alien cult teaching. But someone gave me a small printed copy of the rhymes they were repeating. And I decided to look.

To be truly honest...., I was struck speechless.

These rhymes...these words of the Mathurat...these...are amazing words. Beautiful, elegant and emotionally, deep, self-sacrificing, full-submissionly honest, selfless words. And I...I just couldn't utter them.

I couldn't repeat those words with the rest. I couldn't just go with the rhyme and allocated time. I couldn't sit and read again and again with that melody they had,.. and not feel anything. I couldn't read it every night and close that minibook in my hand and then smile and return to my daily routine. I just couldn't do it.

I think those words mean too much to me. If I read, I had to read it with meaning. I had to feel it in my heart. I have put myself in the zone and truly understand what I read. Knowing what the words mean, I can't turn back on them, and start reading them off like some charm or rhyme. I don't know Arabic, and therefore, like many Malaysians, a lot of worship involves reading off what we memorized without knowing at all the meaning to those words we utter. I've looked into that minibook. That minibook which shows on one page, the caligraphy of the Arabic words, and just on the page beside it, their meanings in Malay. And I can't just shut my eyes to those meanings just right beside.

I like the Mathurat. They are some of the strongest words I've ever encountered my entire life. And they are the first words of Arabic (in the context of worship), that their meaning I've truly paid attention to and care about. Meaning...that they are the first words of worship that I've shed my tears too.

Back in that dorm school, I had to follow the crowd and read off those words in robotic rhymes. It was a regimented rule of the school. So, the crowd had diluted me then. However, that seed had been planted. And the roots had started to grow.

Nowadays, I cannot read the Mathurat without crying. It's impossible. If I read it truly with my heart, I can't possibly not cry. But just like school, there is a culture of reading mathurat as a congregation, reading with a group of people together. And, at these times, it's very very difficult for me to fully feel and put myself full-hearted into feeling those words. In groups, you're acutely aware of people around you. And I personally get shy around crowds in truly expressing what I feel inside. And in crowds, those rhymes are there and you have to follow them. It's part of congregational worship for that togetherness.

Zikr (remembrance of Allah) however, is not primarily encouraged to do in congregation except the solat (5 daily prayers). It is a bida'ah. And I have constant conflicts with the issue whenever I have to zikr in groups. This is probably something that I have to build the courage to to stand up to. The reason most groups do zikr in groups is for the togetherness and that feeling of togetherness. And also as a learning and supportive method to encourage zikr. I guess I probably have to talk to my friends. The ones who understand would understand insyaAllah.

Wallahu'alam.