al-Mathurat

Salam,

I remember the first I heard of al-Mathurat. I was at my former boarding school (common in Malaysia) and we just had our first congregational Maghrib prayer. I was just about to get up when the head of my wing announced that we were gonna read the Mathurat. I thought, what's al-Mathurat? I sat down and listened...

I've never heard of any of it and I could not even mime my lips to it to try to even pretend that I know. I was half-intrigued and half-worried that this was some alien cult teaching. But someone gave me a small printed copy of the rhymes they were repeating. And I decided to look.

To be truly honest...., I was struck speechless.

These rhymes...these words of the Mathurat...these...are amazing words. Beautiful, elegant and emotionally, deep, self-sacrificing, full-submissionly honest, selfless words. And I...I just couldn't utter them.

I couldn't repeat those words with the rest. I couldn't just go with the rhyme and allocated time. I couldn't sit and read again and again with that melody they had,.. and not feel anything. I couldn't read it every night and close that minibook in my hand and then smile and return to my daily routine. I just couldn't do it.

I think those words mean too much to me. If I read, I had to read it with meaning. I had to feel it in my heart. I have put myself in the zone and truly understand what I read. Knowing what the words mean, I can't turn back on them, and start reading them off like some charm or rhyme. I don't know Arabic, and therefore, like many Malaysians, a lot of worship involves reading off what we memorized without knowing at all the meaning to those words we utter. I've looked into that minibook. That minibook which shows on one page, the caligraphy of the Arabic words, and just on the page beside it, their meanings in Malay. And I can't just shut my eyes to those meanings just right beside.

I like the Mathurat. They are some of the strongest words I've ever encountered my entire life. And they are the first words of Arabic (in the context of worship), that their meaning I've truly paid attention to and care about. Meaning...that they are the first words of worship that I've shed my tears too.

Back in that dorm school, I had to follow the crowd and read off those words in robotic rhymes. It was a regimented rule of the school. So, the crowd had diluted me then. However, that seed had been planted. And the roots had started to grow.

Nowadays, I cannot read the Mathurat without crying. It's impossible. If I read it truly with my heart, I can't possibly not cry. But just like school, there is a culture of reading mathurat as a congregation, reading with a group of people together. And, at these times, it's very very difficult for me to fully feel and put myself full-hearted into feeling those words. In groups, you're acutely aware of people around you. And I personally get shy around crowds in truly expressing what I feel inside. And in crowds, those rhymes are there and you have to follow them. It's part of congregational worship for that togetherness.

Zikr (remembrance of Allah) however, is not primarily encouraged to do in congregation except the solat (5 daily prayers). It is a bida'ah. And I have constant conflicts with the issue whenever I have to zikr in groups. This is probably something that I have to build the courage to to stand up to. The reason most groups do zikr in groups is for the togetherness and that feeling of togetherness. And also as a learning and supportive method to encourage zikr. I guess I probably have to talk to my friends. The ones who understand would understand insyaAllah.

Wallahu'alam.

too old for technology?

salam

headache today..

seriously....headache..

suddenly feel so old..

just got back from endoscopy seminar..

oh God...am I the only one here that feels that there's just to much artificial-ness?? seriously! metal tube down the throat, into the anal, through the bowel...and then some wire thingy called stent inserted into the mucosa.....urgh...i somehow found it almost vomit-worthy..

i duno...

i guess i'm all about nature?

it's just way too artificial for me..

if doctor said i had to do endoscopy...i would say NO!!!...cut me open but no endoscopy...(probably would change my mind later, but not at this exact moment!)

ortopedics just now was pretty horror too...
but I do like the physical examination though...pretty cool...physiotherapy...

when Medicine enters the heart...

Salam,

A middle-aged man
a car accident
broken ribs
punctured thorax
intubation
broken pelvis
immobilized
chest tubes, urinary tubes, breathing tubes
fractured ribs
and arms

A 15- year old girl
fell from a high place
suicide attempt
chest tubes
urinary catheter
dislocated head of femur
prepped for operation
tomorrow

Old man
injury to the knee
fluid accumulation
brought to emergency by daughter

Old lady
patella fracture
brought to emergency by daughter
from a different district

Old man
drunk
gash on his scalp
got one stitch
brought to emergency by the ambulance
--------------------------------------
Today I saw.....

A beautiful girl, with fair skin, curly golden hair and a beautiful smile. Today I saw her in bed eating lunch with her pink fingernails. Today I saw a beautiful girl. A girl so beautiful on the outside and yet so unhappy on the inside. Today I saw a girl, that tried to take her life...that tried to commit suicide.

A man, tall and strong. On a bed injured so bad that he can't move. He can't talk. He can't even smile. Today I saw a strong man communicate with only his head to nod. Today I saw a strong man helpless.

Today I saw an old lady and an old man. Brought in to see the doctor by their daughters. At night. Outside office hours. Today I saw the one being nurtured and cared before caring for the nurturer. Today, I saw the roles reversed. Today I saw kindness, unselfishness and love.

And today I saw a drunk. With a gash on his head. And his son not there. And the injury not a first one. And that many more before was also due to drunkenness. And I hate alcohol! And its bad effects. On the poor old man. And other road accidents caused by drunk drivers.

salam.

Summer 2009

Salam,

School's starting and I think its pretty exciting. =) I like surgery. Learned suturing and it was scary even though it was on a dummy. Heheh. My hands were actually shaking. Silly me...

Anyways, so classes are officially starting today. Lectures started last week, and today, basically starts all the hands-on stuff. I am excited but also kinda nervous and I dunno..scared a bit.

I had a good summer. Meet a lot of people. Learned a lot of things. About things, about people and about myself. I think I have to start thinking and acting like an adult now. Take things a bit more seriously and be more active. I used to be pretty active and I like trying new things and stuff. But lately, things have been pretty and I've been pretty unmotivated to do any more than read books and current issues and stuff. I need to get a bit more physically participative and active.

Alright, basically I think I've learned to be a bit more understanding towards people. Although its not really shown much on the outside at the moment, but I'm trying to adjust it all inside. I do believe it is a process and I think in that sense I need to give myself time to understand and comprehend. Just for the good of my own soul.

Also, there's a lot of diseases of the heart that I'm trying to heal. Things like ego and I dunno, jealousy, self-blaming and so on. I think the heart is a very important element I should take care of. The heart is probably the biggest thing that I've never realized has the biggest power and influence on a human being. And I want to harnest that power. Be a good person.

Okay. I think that's all I want to babble about tonight. See you guys. =)

Salam.